Telling the time by Ladybird

If you're of a certain age like me, you'll appreciate that the Ladybird books were some of the best around for young children, the young children being us. I believe they still make new Ladybird books, but, like Sesame street turning Cookie Monster into Veggie Monster*, the powers that be have changed them so they'll never be quite as good as they once were. I grew up with the old Ladybird books and am I a serial killer/sociopath/video game playing hermit? NO! Well, maybe the third one, a little bit.

Ladybird's Telling The Time was one of my favourite books when I was a kid, so much so that I recently bought a new (old) copy. I still like to read it when I'm in the mood, and thanks to the Ladybird books of old, I can read it all by myself!

Right then, let's see what a typical day consisted of back in the 80s.**

Some people get up at 8 o clock, and some, less dole-scummy people, are already eating their breakfast. Others (students), are still exhausted after a mere 10 hours of sleep, and so we must leave those little lambs to rest their pretty academic heads.

By the way, I didn't scribble on the clock. I have some respect, not like the vandal who owned this book before me.

At 9 o clock, Mummy and Daddy are working. I quite like the fact that both Mummy and Daddy go out to work. I like that they haven't just shown Daddy at work while Mummy gets off her tits on valium and watches Inspector Morse reruns. I think that's a Mummy hoovering in the top right corner, but it could be a Daddy. I really need to find my glasses. The vandal chose red this time.

I've skipped 10 o clock because it's just people being busy again. But at 11 o clock - EVERYTHING STOPS! At least it does in Britain, in the 80s. Everyone must drop whatever they are doing and have a light refreshment of some sort, no matter where they are. Brain surgery? Sorry, tea comes first. Putting out a fire? not until after elevenses. This theme may come up more than once in this book.

12 o clock is just school dinner time, and really, who wants to see that? What I am more concerned with is 1 o clock, which is grown up dinner time. My God, this page always made me really hungry, without fail, and it still does, which is a pity because I can only eat boiled rice today. Stupid diet.

Look at this bitch - 

She's the kind of woman who eats nothing but apples and shit while she's around people, but you just know that as soon as she gets home she's eating a whole tub of ice cream then throwing it back up again, and that's how she stays so skinny. I am not fooled, lady.

I'm skipping 2 o clock as well, because really it's just children being busy, doing whatever it is children do - painting, sleeping, thinking about the implications of Occam's Razor etc. 3 o clock, however, is where shit gets British again - 

TEATIME! EVERYTHING STOPS!

Anyway, at 4 o clock the kids are back from school, and eating fantastic looking cartoon food again. Especially those fried eggs on toast. I wish I had some eggs. And some bread. And a frying pan.

Bizarrely, at 4 o clock, the children manage to be both at the dinner table and in front of the TV. I wonder what they're watching? Judging by their expressions -

-I'd say it's one of the following - 

Bestiality with Angela Rippon

Why is Mummy on the floor again?

Requiem for a dream - the cartoon series

I'm going to skip 5 and 6 o clock, because obviously Mummy is cooking, and Daddy is driving. Well, obviously. So much for the progressive and liberal attitudes of 9 o clock.

Oh, and also, at 6 o clock Daddy is home. I think the Mummies who went to work must just have stayed at work and slept there. So Daddy arrives home, causing the children to completely ignore Mummy and all her hard cookery work. This is Mummy when Daddy gets home -

Is that steam coming from the kitchen, or from her head because she's so furious at being overlooked?

7 o clock is good overall, but I don't dare include it, because it features the nudey children having a bath. How dare they have a bath! And in front of all the readers! Suffice to say they are in the nip. Eew. So we move on to 8 o clock, where we find the kids in bed, pretending to be asleep. Mummy is going out to her "art class" -

"Bye Daddy! Don't come to see me off or anything, I know you're watching porn"

"Bye Mummy, like I care, I hope you get murdered in the street."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I said have fun darling"

And that, apparently is the end of the day. We are invited to make up our own night time, involving more porn, and Mummy coming back from her "art class" with her knickers in her handbag.

I do love this book.

*http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/veggie.asp

** Actually published in 1978, but I was -5 then, so what ya gonna do.